<\/p>\n
\u00a0However, when it comes to our relationships, community, and our connection to the social nervous system, the responsibility becomes shared. How we connect, communicate and share space\u00a0 widens our impact. In a perfect world, we would be compassionate, caring and hold firm but loving boundaries with those we engage with. Yet, we are human, many living through\u00a0 less-than-ideal experiences, and our animal selves resort to strategies of self-preservation that help keep us safe, but may\u00a0 disrupt\u00a0 our ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. Blame and shame come to mind as a primary defense, but this strategy\u00a0 can create distance rather than closeness.\u00a0 And we have also learned, over the last year, just how important our support network is. Being alone through\u00a0 difficult times only creates more pain and suffering. JAMA<\/a> reported in September that depression had tripled since the start of the pandemic.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Stress, anxiety and depression are all on the rise, but we know that community and connection are the salve. We must make\u00a0 those\u00a0 connections a priority to be fortified and resilient.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n I learned from a very wise therapist, Dr. Jonathon, this idea of both\u00a0 “vertical\u2019\u2019 and “horizontal\u2019\u2019 responsibility in\u00a0 relating to others. Imagine a plus sign, with a vertical and a horizontal line intersecting in the middle. The vertical line represents our\u00a0 “self\u2019\u2019, \u00a0 moving up and down toward our connection to spirit. Regardless \u00a0 whether\u00a0 you\u2019re a religious or spiritual person, I consider a connection to a higher power the same as a higher self \u2026 a\u00a0 self that sees the world and makes decisions from our deepest knowing, not emotion, fear or pain. The horizontal line represents our connection and relationship\u00a0 to the other people in our lives.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When we are doing our work to fortify our connections and our heart, what this symbolism represents is the importance of doing the work of healing our individual self AND doing the work to heal our connections and relations with those around us. We want the plus sign to be balanced, with equal energy toward personal and collective responsibility in our words and deeds.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Consider all of the relationships you have outside of yourself:<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can imagine concentric circles of closeness with each of these rings of connection. Some are closer in intimacy and relating, others closer in proximity. And yet we relate to each of them based on some \u00a0 fundamental experiences in our lives. In The Resilient Family Part 2<\/a>, I introduced this idea of the Social Nervous System.\u00a0 We once understood that there were two levels of our nervous system, the sympathetic (active, responsive, fight, flight) and the parasympathetic (rest, digest, freeze).\u00a0 There is a third that Dr. Stephen Porges identifies in the Polyvagal Theory called the Social Nervous System.\u00a0 It impacts our mood, immune response, digestion, heart functioning and blood pressure. Most importantly, this communication between body and brain affects our sense of safety and connection, and informs our sense of love and belonging.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If we\u2019ve had challenging or traumatic experiences but have not been able to process or reconcile, this will impact our ability to experience a sense of safety, love and belonging. The challenging part is that many \u00a0 don\u2019t\u00a0 realize they are experiencing the aftermath of trauma, or\u00a0 are too ashamed to share,\u00a0 which impacts our relationships and ability to establish healthy connections.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Our Social Nervous System\u00a0 allows us to find ways of\u00a0 coherence, or regulation in our physiological state, as well as co-regulation, which is the action or emotional state of one person syncing\u00a0 with the action or emotional state of another. A great example \u00a0 is in parents and infants. When a baby is crying and upset, the parent may pick her up, hold her to their chest, rock her and\u00a0 make\u00a0 gentle sounds. You may see the visible calming of the child, her crying stops, their breathing and body relax. \u00a0 If\u00a0 the parent is relaxed, their state informs the baby that it is safe, their needs are being attended to, they are loved and cared for. Now, if that same parent picks up the baby,\u00a0 shushes\u00a0 loudly, bounces them vigorously,\u00a0 puts them back \u00a0 in the crib and walks away. \u00a0 I imagine the baby\u2019s state would escalate into a frenzy, becoming inconsolable and possibly agitating the parent even further, which could then lead to more seriously harmful behavior. Any\u00a0 sleep-deprived new parent can attest to this feeling of dysregulation at some point in those first few years. The same thing happens\u00a0 as adults when we\u00a0 respond to the energy or state of another person.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Vertical Connection:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n In order for us to find co-regulation and maintain healthy connections with others, we must first find our way in our vertical connection to ourself and spirit. Coherence and self-regulation are the result of understanding our own needs, cultivating healthy response patterns in times of stress and expressing our needs in productive ways.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Common patterns for coping with dysregulation are often to distract, numb out and avoid. Addictions, including\u00a0 \u00a0 escape through television or the\u00a0 internet,shopping, procrastination, chronic fighting with loved ones and chronic illness, are\u00a0 ways of coping with dysregulation.\u00a0 We are not bad humans for engaging in, or experiencing, these strategies, we have just learned over time that they work to help us cope. \u00a0 They may not work for the overall functioning of our life and relationships, but they help us \u00a0 make it through\u00a0 the day.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Self-regulation and coherence also go a long way in releasing the blame game from our vocabulary. In dysregulated states it\u2019s easy to\u00a0 be\u00a0 defensive, reactive or feel like the world is against you. For the same reason we don\u2019t try to teach a child a new behavior in the middle of their tantrum. Even as adults, we can\u2019t always see a situation clearly, learn a new skill or respond effectively, when we are in a heightened agitated state.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If it\u2019s time to add\u00a0 new coping mechanisms\u00a0 to your tool bag, here are a few ways to get started:<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Some helpful practices for establishing healthy vertical responsibility:<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Horizontal Responsibility:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n When we begin to take personal responsibility for our own regulation and coherence, it makes\u00a0 our relationships that much easier. Horizontal responsibility is the agreement we make with another person to be in a relationship and how we hold ourselves accountable for the health of our connection. To make\u00a0 relationships work, it takes\u00a0 effort, nurturing and commitment. How often do you talk ABOUT your relationship with someone you love? Remember, resilience does not mean we will never have a disagreement or discomfort in our relationship, but rather, we have the capacity to repair and recover when a boundary is crossed, our feelings are hurt or an agreement becomes unclear.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here are a few things to consider as you explore the resilience of your relationships:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The work I do with teens and their families illuminates these questions clearly. Consider\u00a0 the developmental stage of a 16 year old who has just earned their driver\u2019s license. They are in the middle of their adolescent development, their executive functioning still developing, impulsiveness is typical and yet they are given the opportunity to operate a motor vehicle on their own. The roles between the parent and teen are changing, one releasing control and the other being given more control over their movement and freedom. The parent still has responsibilities to guide and protect, and the teen has more responsibilities to think about safety and others. This is a transition that requires communication, agreements and follow through. The parent and teen will continually negotiate boundaries and the relationship between them. And these agreements will likely be tested frequently (on both sides) and re-negotiated entering uncharted territory.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Relationships are a dance, sometimes we are in sync, and other times we step on each others toes. As humans we are dynamic individuals and our relationships are even more dynamic. If we respect the fluid nature of relationships, we are less likely to get mired in expectations that want to keep the status quo.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0Here are a few strategies to consider for building horizontal responsibility:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Humans are social beings and\u00a0 wired to feel a sense of safety through belonging and connection. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and connection to others is vital to our capacity for resilience. If you want to learn more about how to create\u00a0 that in your relationships, register for The Resilient Family<\/a> self-study course, join Our Resilient Community<\/a>, or call for a discovery call<\/a> with me.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You are not alone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The Resilient Family Part 3: Fortifying Your Heart and Relationships In Part 1 and \u00a02 of the Resilient Family Blog series, we went deep into physical and mental health. In many ways these areas are personal, internal and focused on the individual.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0However, when it comes to our relationships, community, and our connection to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":110,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\n The Resilient Family Part 3: Fortifying Your Heart and Relationships<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Part 1<\/a> and 2<\/a> of the Resilient Family Blog series, we went deep into physical and mental health. In many ways these areas are personal, internal and focused on the individual. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, when it comes to our relationships, community, and our connection to the social nervous system, the responsibility becomes shared. How we connect, communicate and share space widens our impact. In a perfect world, we would be compassionate, caring and hold firm but loving boundaries with those we engage with. Yet, we are human, many living through less-than-ideal experiences, and our animal selves resort to strategies of self-preservation that help keep us safe, but may disrupt our ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. Blame and shame come to mind as a primary defense, but this strategy can create distance rather than closeness. And we have also learned, over the last year, just how important our support network is. Being alone through difficult times only creates more pain and suffering. JAMA<\/a> reported in September that depression had tripled since the start of the pandemic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stress, anxiety and depression are all on the rise, but we know that community and connection are the salve. We must make those connections a priority to be fortified and resilient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I learned from a very wise therapist, Dr. Jonathon, this idea of both\u00a0 \"vertical\u2019\u2019 and \"horizontal\u2019\u2019 responsibility in\u00a0 relating to others. Imagine a plus sign, with a vertical and a horizontal line intersecting in the middle. The vertical line represents our\u00a0 \"self\u2019\u2019, \u00a0 moving up and down toward our connection to spirit. Regardless \u00a0 whether\u00a0 you\u2019re a religious or spiritual person, I consider a connection to a higher power the same as a higher self \u2026 a\u00a0 self that sees the world and makes decisions from our deepest knowing, not emotion, fear or pain. The horizontal line represents our connection and relationship\u00a0 to the other people in our lives.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we are doing our work to fortify our connections and our heart, what this symbolism represents is the importance of doing the work of healing our individual self AND doing the work to heal our connections and relations with those around us. We want the plus sign to be balanced, with equal energy toward personal and collective responsibility in our words and deeds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider all of the relationships you have outside of yourself:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You can imagine concentric circles of closeness with each of these rings of connection. Some are closer in intimacy and relating, others closer in proximity. And yet we relate to each of them based on some fundamental experiences in our lives. In The Resilient Family Part 2<\/a>, I introduced this idea of the Social Nervous System. We once understood that there were two levels of our nervous system, the sympathetic (active, responsive, fight, flight) and the parasympathetic (rest, digest, freeze). There is a third that Dr. Stephen Porges identifies in the Polyvagal Theory called the Social Nervous System. It impacts our mood, immune response, digestion, heart functioning and blood pressure. Most importantly, this communication between body and brain affects our sense of safety and connection, and informs our sense of love and belonging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If we\u2019ve had challenging or traumatic experiences but have not been able to process or reconcile, this will impact our ability to experience a sense of safety, love and belonging. The challenging part is that many don\u2019t realize they are experiencing the aftermath of trauma, or are too ashamed to share, which impacts our relationships and ability to establish healthy connections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Our Social Nervous System allows us to find ways of coherence, or regulation in our physiological state, as well as co-regulation, which is the action or emotional state of one person syncing with the action or emotional state of another. A great example is in parents and infants. When a baby is crying and upset, the parent may pick her up, hold her to their chest, rock her and make gentle sounds. You may see the visible calming of the child, her crying stops, their breathing and body relax. If the parent is relaxed, their state informs the baby that it is safe, their needs are being attended to, they are loved and cared for. Now, if that same parent picks up the baby, shushes loudly, bounces them vigorously, puts them back in the crib and walks away. I imagine the baby\u2019s state would escalate into a frenzy, becoming inconsolable and possibly agitating the parent even further, which could then lead to more seriously harmful behavior. Any sleep-deprived new parent can attest to this feeling of dysregulation at some point in those first few years. The same thing happens as adults when we respond to the energy or state of another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Vertical Connection:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In order for us to find co-regulation and maintain healthy connections with others, we must first find our way in our vertical connection to ourself and spirit. Coherence and self-regulation are the result of understanding our own needs, cultivating healthy response patterns in times of stress and expressing our needs in productive ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Common patterns for coping with dysregulation are often to distract, numb out and avoid. Addictions, including escape through television or the internet,shopping, procrastination, chronic fighting with loved ones and chronic illness, are ways of coping with dysregulation. We are not bad humans for engaging in, or experiencing, these strategies, we have just learned over time that they work to help us cope. They may not work for the overall functioning of our life and relationships, but they help us make it through the day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-regulation and coherence also go a long way in releasing the blame game from our vocabulary. In dysregulated states it\u2019s easy to be defensive, reactive or feel like the world is against you. For the same reason we don\u2019t try to teach a child a new behavior in the middle of their tantrum. Even as adults, we can\u2019t always see a situation clearly, learn a new skill or respond effectively, when we are in a heightened agitated state.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If it\u2019s time to add\u00a0 new coping mechanisms\u00a0 to your tool bag, here are a few ways to get started:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Some helpful practices for establishing healthy vertical responsibility:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Horizontal Responsibility:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n When we begin to take personal responsibility for our own regulation and coherence, it makes our relationships that much easier. Horizontal responsibility is the agreement we make with another person to be in a relationship and how we hold ourselves accountable for the health of our connection. To make relationships work, it takes effort, nurturing and commitment. How often do you talk ABOUT your relationship with someone you love? Remember, resilience does not mean we will never have a disagreement or discomfort in our relationship, but rather, we have the capacity to repair and recover when a boundary is crossed, our feelings are hurt or an agreement becomes unclear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few things to consider as you explore the resilience of your relationships:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The work I do with teens and their families illuminates these questions clearly. Consider the developmental stage of a 16 year old who has just earned their driver\u2019s license. They are in the middle of their adolescent development, their executive functioning still developing, impulsiveness is typical and yet they are given the opportunity to operate a motor vehicle on their own. The roles between the parent and teen are changing, one releasing control and the other being given more control over their movement and freedom. The parent still has responsibilities to guide and protect, and the teen has more responsibilities to think about safety and others. This is a transition that requires communication, agreements and follow through. The parent and teen will continually negotiate boundaries and the relationship between them. And these agreements will likely be tested frequently (on both sides) and re-negotiated entering uncharted territory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Relationships are a dance, sometimes we are in sync, and other times we step on each others toes. As humans we are dynamic individuals and our relationships are even more dynamic. If we respect the fluid nature of relationships, we are less likely to get mired in expectations that want to keep the status quo. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few strategies to consider for building horizontal responsibility:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Humans are social beings and wired to feel a sense of safety through belonging and connection. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and connection to others is vital to our capacity for resilience. If you want to learn more about how to create that in your relationships, register for The Resilient Family<\/a> self-study course, join Our Resilient Community<\/a>, or call for a discovery call<\/a> with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You are not alone.<\/p>\n","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_wp_convertkit_post_meta":{"form":"-1","landing_page":"","tag":"0","restrict_content":"0"},"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[24,23,27,26,19,22,10,25],"class_list":["post-733","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","tag-adolescents","tag-communication","tag-mental-health","tag-non-violent-communication","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-resilience","tag-teens"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/3.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=733"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":905,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733\/revisions\/905"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/110"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=733"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=733"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=733"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/amysaloner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/shutterstock_141407338-1-1024x1008.jpg\")
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