Parents of teens and pre-teens, I know you didn’t sign up for what 2020 has brought for you and your family. It is definitely one for the history books.
Cancelled proms, parties and trips.
Drive through graduations.
Uncertain and false starts for the fall…
Hopes and dreams crumpled and torn.
Heartbreaking.
Initiations into new phases of life actually require a time of great change, intensity and uncertainty. Check, check and check for 2020.
Whether you believe it or not, you are at a powerful juncture to usher your child into adulthood with great fortitude, connection and a sense of direction and purpose even in the midst of chaos.
Maybe that feels impossible right now, but…
What if I told you there is a way to get through it with you and your child together in alignment. And in the process you would be building the inner compass that will help them navigate rough waters when they are actually on their own.
What if I told you it would bring you and your child closer together even as they begin to individuate.
What if I told you they really want, and need, you to create space to honor and recognize this moment in a meaningful way.
In the book ‘Deeply in the Bone,’ Donald L. Grimes writes:
“Without rites that engage our imaginations, community, and bodies, we lose touch with the rhythms of the human life course, just as we become temporally disoriented without seasonal and commemorative rites that recreate our connections to the natural world and the course of human history.”
As a society, we have forgotten how to initiate our youth into adulthood. We have also forgotten how to initiate our adults into revered and trusted eldership. We try, but unfortunately our graduations are diluted, our religious rites only focus on the religious/spiritual aspect of choosing their faith and our young people are turning to their peers to do the initiating into social forays but lacking the grounding in community and personal responsibility. Where is the focus on the whole person… body, mind, heart AND spirit?
It is no wonder our teens are more anxious, more depressed and more confused about their choices than ever before. What we are doing isn’t enough for these bright beings.
On top of that, we are being reminded daily that the narrative of our country is broken and the depth of those cracks is being revealed exponentially. The veil of systemic and intergenerational racism, sexism, classism, misogyny is being examined closely and our children are watching. We need to shift our perspectives, our way of relating, our ways of problem solving. It starts with us, but it will continue on with our youth. Adolescents are designed to have the creativity, stamina and drive to solve hard problems. We need them now, more than ever, to feel empowered to step up and step out. Initiations foster that empowerment.
Dr. Steven D. Farmer explains in the book ‘Sacred Ceremony,’ that there are two basic functions for a transition ceremony for adolescents, and that is preservation and creativity. I like to describe these as ‘rooting’ into what is anchoring, supportive and internally guiding while creating ‘wings’ for the vision and direction of what is needed on the journey ahead.
A true initiation through a passage is one that goes through three phases according to the most famous writer and researcher on rites of passage, Arnold van Gannep. The most recognizable example is a transformation of a butterfly:
- Separation (Caterpillar): the dying or letting go of where you have been
- Transition (Chrysalis) : the time of change and remodeling
- Incorporation (Butterfly): your new self
If you are a parent with a child who is entering puberty, graduating from high school, starting college, moving away from home, going into the military or anything else in between, then your child is most certainly moving through a phase of initiation.
And the question is, how are you preparing them to become their most adept self on the other side of that transition? You, and any other wise men and women in your child’s life have the opportunity to support them in a profound way to establish the Roots of their family and heritage while establishing their Wings for flight and profound transformation.
Ask yourself…
What traits or traditions that come from my heritage and ancestry do I relate to as strong, capable and important for my child to embody as they become more independent in the world?
What attributes do I see in my child that will serve them as a capable, compassionate and self-sufficient person in their life?
What hardships, experiences or struggles have they gone through in the past or currently?
How will yours or and your child’s roles and responsibilities shift as they enter this next phase of their journey?
What unspoken rules, agreements, beliefs or truths would be better spoken or clarified?
Creating meaningful, embodied and grounded rituals and experiences with your child that focuses on the whole of who they are, where they have been and where they are going, is one of the most important things we can do for them AND us. When we step forward to proclaim the important of their transition from adolescence to adulthood, create the space for our child to explore what it means to them and send them out with our support and reflection, they will develop the fortitude to be the leaders we need in this world.
If you are interested in learning more how to create these moments for your children or grandchildren, students or community, I am teaching a course starting July 20th that will explore this topic of rites of passage and how to create the meaningful experiences our children need to light their way. Over seven sessions in three weeks, you will have your own ceremony or experience that matches your family’s heritage and journey. You will learn to initiate the whole person, body, mind, heart and purpose.
Learn more about Building Roots and Wings: Creating Meaningful Rites of Passage for Young Adults here:
https://amy-saloner-3302.mykajabi.com/roots-and-wings-online-course
Let’s transform together.