It’s inevitable; children do grow up. You can’t imagine what they will be like when they are wee ones in your arms. And you can’t possibly imagine what they will still need to embark on their own until just before they take that leap.
My stepson entered my life when he was just five years old. I didn’t give birth to him, but I have been there with him, every step of the way in his journey toward independence. I used to get frustrated with myself when he and I didn’t see eye to eye and our disagreements would turn sideways and upside down, especially because I am a trained therapist and worked with families for years before I became a parent. My husband and I had two more children, giving me that magical experience of surrender to the divine mystery of motherhood, but Jakob will always be our initiation into launching a human into the world on his own.
You can have all the professional experience in the world in working with young adults or being a parent to other children, but nothing really prepares you when your own child becomes an adult. It hits you almost suddenly, around the time they become a senior in high school: how on earth are they going to make it out there? Have we done enough to prepare them for life outside of our nest? What have I missed?!
For us, it wasn’t grades or Jakob’s ability to get into a good college that we were worried about. It was more like:
- Will he choose a career that both fulfills him and supports his lifestyle?
- Will he develop healthy relationships and treat women with respect?
- Will he manage his money well?
- Will he know how to feed himself well?
- Will he manage the stresses of a new environment and more independence, or will he fall into risky habits?
- Will he avoid the pitfalls associated with STDs, addiction, and abusive relationships?
Now, we have had all the and actually have a very open relationship with him…but it’s really maddening to consider all of the possibilities. And for as many worries as there are, there as many ways parents try to cope, support, and guide their children through these next steps. You can imagine the spectrum from the “they’ll learn their own lessons the hard way” to the “helicopter hover parents” approaches. Somewhere in the middle is the parent who finds ways to provide resources for their child to make good choices on their own.
Easier said than done, though, I know. Our talks with Jakob about money, relationships, career, or nutrition did not always go as we would have liked. Our life wisdom was not exactly what he was seeking in that moment. He was definitely more in the moment and not really in place to consider what “might” happen in the future. And, of course, it’s absolutely normal that teens are more focused on how to individuate and find ways to do life completely different from you! You know, kids these days, they’ve got it all figured out. My stepson sought out his own information from podcasts, watched YouTube, talked to his friends, and discoursed on social media. He knew what was up… well, at least he thought he did. Just as he was preparing to embark on his journey to college, he developed an auto-immune disorder and experienced true heart break for the very first time when he and his high school sweetheart broke up. He learned some hard lessons about love, vulnerability, self-care, and stress management in a very short time. These were lessons he needed to face in reality, in real time, and with real people he knew could guide him. In many ways, he was lucky to still be under our roof when all of these events occurred because he still had us here to help him navigate it. But what if all that had happened when he was away?
I speak every week to other parents of young adults who have headed off to college and did not have what they needed to cope with the stresses of life away from home. Sixty one percent of college students self-report that they are not prepared for the transition to college. At least one student I know personally didn’t even make it through freshman year before moving back home from out of state. Many others have developed anxiety disorders, depression, and addiction. These were all good kids, from loving homes. The parents of all of these students told us the same thing: “I wish I had prepared them more for life before they left home.”
So, how do we find the ways to arm these young adults with valuable tools to embark on their journey of adulthood in a good way, whether they are leaving home or not?
There are three keys to supporting your young adult in creating a strong foundation and building their toolbox for success in life:
- Help your child understand their choices fully and then let them make their own decisions.
Sometimes, we assume our children understand the full extent of what their choices mean and are disappointed when they miss a key element of a complicated or extensive decision-making process because they just don’t have the experience. Or, we hold their hands or continue to make decisions for them only to find out they are so dependent on us that they falter when it’s their turn to make their own decisions.
For example: Your child heads off to college and is now making their own financial decisions about what they spend their money on. They may know they have a budget, but it may not be as liberal as when they were under your roof. Lo and behold, one day in the quad, they meet some friendly and outgoing reps from a credit card company. They can sign up on their own and now they have free reign to play and party and buy the things that their budget doesn’t allow. You can see where this is heading…yikes! We can’t always predict what our child will encounter, and we can’t guess every pitfall. What we CAN do, though, is teach our children how to consider all of their choices and make responsible decisions. Finding the balance between hands off and hands on is a process of education that can be done in advance. Providing scenarios and working through with your child ways to respond or helping them once they are in a difficult situation to work their the decision-making process with you. This will teach them valuable life lessons in decision making, responsibility, and empowerment. And if you feel you don’t have the ability to do this on your own, seek out a professional to help.
- Connect your child with community and other trusted adults they can turn to for advice and support.
Let’s face it, right around puberty, many of our kids decide that we are super uncool and that our advice and perspective is totally outdated. They are actually biologically wired to think this way as they begin their individuation process and initiation into adulthood. And yet, as our society has increasingly favored independence and autonomy over connection and community, we are becoming more isolated from our tribe, family, and friends, creating a vacuum of support and guidance for our youth. Choosing housing based on cost and proximity to jobs and good schools, we sometimes move away from the adults and role models our children can turn to for support and guidance when we become the plague. We found in our own community that Jakob had aunts, uncles, and our friends to turn to for counsel and feedback. He essentially had other adults that he trusted but who ultimately had our back in supporting his growth. Even for kids who have a great relationship with their parents, sometimes young adults make poor choices and sharing those mistakes with adults other than your parents can be a little less risky to. Ensuring your child has adults who you AND they trust is critical in teaching your child connection and accountability.
- Provide more than just college prep courses for the tests they need to take; enroll them in life skills courses as well.
Getting a child into college is one thing. Making sure they thrive when they are there is a whole other story. We pay for SAT courses, tutors, admission and essay coaches, and anyone else who will help our child have an edge in getting accepted in the most competitive time in history for college admissions. We put our children in private schools or move to districts that are highly rated to ensure they are getting the best education possible. But what are they learning? They are learning in many ways to how to be good students but not necessarily what they need to “live.” Are they learning about managing their money, paying taxes, making a healthy meal, interviewing for a job, managing their time wisely, choosing a meaningful career, or setting healthy boundaries? In my experience and in interviews with families, parents, and students alike tend to trust their families in teaching such life skills. But what if parents don’t feel confident about some of these subjects, or the communication between the parent and child is strained during this transition? That is when turning to a professional can help.
For resources and support in setting your child up for a successful launch, contact Amy Saloner for a free 20-minute consultation to learn more.