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In this four-part series on resilience, we’ve discussed this in the body and immune system, the mind and nervous system, and our relationships. The fourth and final aspect is our soul, spirit and values.
Our soul is the unique essence of who we are and the expression of that in our lives.
We perceive the world around us differently and as a species we have access to similar feelings and emotions. We may be present in the same situation as others, but how we experience, process and respond to it will be completely different.
As I have shared, our nervous system is the gatekeeper for our response to countless experiences. Accessing our soul’s desire during those moments can be challenging, but we can get there when we attend to our nervous system regulation and learn strategies to tap into our resilience.
I was taught by my spiritual teachers that we have an emotional heart and a higher heart. Our emotional heart is the one that perceives the world through the lens of our upbringing, thoughts, experiences and wounds. That higher heart perceives our world from a neutral and loving place, one without judgement or fear. Those who are spiritual or religious might say it is from “God’s’’ perspective. Regardless of your beliefs, your higher heart is that deeper knowing of truth in any moment.
In times of stress, worry or challenge, it can be really difficult to access that higher perspective.
And yet, our soul knows what we need —
it’s just a matter of accessing that deeper knowledge.
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In the book “I’ve Had It Up To Here: From Stress to Strength” by Gaynor Parkin and Sarah Boyd, they share recent research about resilience and the key findings in improving it.
Remember that resilience is the ability to cope with challenging situations, developing strength and capacity for well-being on the other side of those situations. Resilience is the ability to find joy in our lives despite difficulties we face. In their research, the authors found the most supportive strategies for resilience were:
- Strong relationships
- Positivity
- Optimism
- Mindfulness
- Worrying less
I’ve shared at length the importance of relationships, mindfulness and reducing worry in previous blogs in this series. Now, I’d like to focus on the concepts of Positivity and Optimism. It can get tricky though, because these are very nuanced, and doesn’t mean just being positive or looking on the bright side. On the contrary, resilience allows one to access the full spectrum of feelings and experiences while also able to regulate our responses with general ease. We do not want to be robots who are “neutral’’ all of the time, nor do we want to eliminate negative and painful experiences. That is especially important for our children since these are what help us to grow and learn. We are messy and imperfect, and our range of thoughts and feelings make us human. It is the acceptance of that truth that makes life rich and challenging.
Photo Credit: https://unsplash.com/@nate_dumlao
Parkin and Boyd dive deeper into positivity and optimism with practices that help us access these particular strengths. They share researcher Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s 10 keys to positivity:
- Joy
- Gratitude
- Serenity
- Interest
- Hope
- Pride
- Amusement
- Inspiration
- Awe
- Love
One of the benefits of positivity for resilience is when we have a more “positive’’ perspective, we are less likely to view a challenging situation as a threat according to Fredrickson. For those with trauma, this will be more nuanced, but requires attention to addressing the trauma response as a part of coping and perspective. Those coping with depression, anxiety, autism and other psychiatric disorders may struggle with more rigid thinking. Developing flexible thinking is part of the therapeutic process to support the ability to cope.
Optimism is similar to positivity, but is more related to our perspective than our thinking. Our thoughts lead to feelings, then lead to actions … but optimism is the lens with which we view our thinking. Optimism sees the glass half full or what Dr. Seligman describes as a set of skills for self-talk that helps us frame or reframe a situation as hopeful or manageable rather than catastrophic.
Putting these keys of positivity and optimism into practice are easier said than done. But here are some that I suggest:
Schedule time each week for play. That doesn’t mean, make cleaning the house playful. Do something that has no value except for the sheer enjoyment of it. I also encourage this to be something engaging with family and friends. Remember connection is a big key to resilience. Those activities could be board games, sports, dancing, singing or being in nature.
Schedule time each week for rest and self-care. This does not mean sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram. Take a nap, read a book, get a massage or body work, get a mani-pedi, do yoga nidra.
Develop a gratitude practice. Keep a gratitude journal as a reminder of the things you’re grateful for. Engage in a dinner table activity where each member shares their gratitude for the day. My husband and I play the “Why I love you’’ game where we share reasons why we love each other.
Learn a new skill. True resilience requires continually having a beginner’s mind. Learning a new skill as an adult can also help us develop compassion and humility. It also keeps our brain firing, reducing risk of dementia.
Volunteer. There is something powerful about helping others in need. And even more powerful, doing it with our children helps them develop empathy and a sense of caring for others.
Do your personal work. When we seek support from a professional (and not just our friends) for self-reflection, healing trauma, learning better coping strategies and taking personal responsibility, we flex the muscles of resilience regularly.
Develop a faith practice. You do not have to be religious or believe in God to have a faith practice. Remember, your higher heart is a readily available access point for clarity when life feels overwhelming or you don’t know how to respond. Faith is the ability to trust a deeper knowing even when we cannot see the way forward. Faith can be in God’s plan or in our own soul’s knowing. Faith is not blind, especially when paired with the practice of listening. Through meditation, breath work and journaling, with practice, your highest truth can be revealed. And meditation is not something that has to be done for hours a day to reach a state of nirvana. A meditation is simply enough time to get out of your head, into your body and heart,. to listen to the quiet knowing inside.
Choose one of these to start, and as you feel confident in that practice, add another.
Remember: life is a journey and we can’t achieve resilience overnight. It takes a continuous evaluation of our physical, emotional, relational and spiritual well-being, then putting into practice strategies and tools to fortify our body, mind and spirit. Community and connection is a foundational resource for developing resilience.
We can’t do it alone.
If you need support to assess and address any challenges you face, please reach out for a 20-minute consultation to see how we can identify and access resources you may need.