For some families, Halloween is tricky, for others, it’s a real treat. If you’re anything like me, it’s a little of both. I love a good opportunity to dress up and be creative. I made many children’s costumes growing up so the opportunity to step into a character is a delight my children and I share. As a nutritional therapist and coach, I find the treats to be the trick.
Over the years I’ve developed a few strategies to keep the fun alive and the headaches to a minimum, navigating this holiday.
I hope you find these ideas a TREAT if Halloween is tricky for you too!
Tune In: First, identify what aspect of Halloween is challenging for YOU. For me, it’s the amount and type of candy and foods my children have access to that is not typical for my family. For others, it may be what and how our children dress up that may feel uncomfortable. And, maybe for our older teens, it’s the risks inherent at parties and other gatherings that may feel unsafe.
It’s important as a parent to realize, and understand, those concerns. We cannot teach our children to navigate the world if we don’t get out of their way and share those concerns from our perspective rather than making it about our child. For example,you might say: , “I feel worried about what eating a lot of candy will do to your immune system and your mood for the next week” than “You get really crazy and always get sick when you eat too many sweets.” See the difference?
Realistic Expectations: I often have to remember that in my perfect world, how I want my children to eat, sleep and engage in activities does not often match the world they’re being raised in. And, if I am focused on teaching resilience… it’s more about how I prepare them to bounce back than to shield them from all of the things I am concerned about. I also have to choose my battles, yet be firm and clear when it comes to their safety. If I try to limit every action, I curb their ability to make choices and learn for themselves.
Engage: Any situation that requires a decision is a great opportunity to teach children how to identify their own needs, negotiate effectively and deepen your relationship. Having a conversation (preferably well in advance of the big day) is the key.
This is not about ground rules… it’s asking questions, sharing your concerns, then navigating the next steps together. Curiosity is your secret weapon. Listen first, share second. What do they want and need socially and emotionally to feel empowered, to explore the world on their own terms? Share your worries and concerns, not as a mandate for what needs to happen, but as an honest expression of what is important to you in keeping them safe.
Teens are wired for solving problems, so listen to their suggestions, you may not agree with their solutions, but acknowledge their point of view. This can be a process that teaches what it means to share, listen and take into consideration another’s perspective, an important part of living in the world.
Agreements: It’s all about what you can both live with, and still maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t love that my children eat unhealthy candy, especially as the winter months approach. I know sugar physiologically dampens the immune system and makes it harder to fight off colds and flus. It also affects their mood and concentration.
But I also realize that if I take away the candy completely, it limits the opportunity to listen to their bodies, and I socially handicap them with their peers. It can be helpful to offer something that lets them know you are on their team. Here are a few we have negotiated over the years.
- They can keep a certain quantity of their favorite candies, and I pay them money for the rest. You can do it per piece or a lump sum, but put a cap on it to stay within your means.
- They can spread their candy consumption out over a few days or week. Agree to an amount for each day. This teaches them delayed gratification.
- I’ve set boundaries about certain types of candy or sweets including unwrapped, broken packaging or allergens (gluten for us). They can have everything else.
- Costumes at night had to be designed so they could stay warm.
- School still had to be a priority, so any activities couldn’t limit their ability to get up and go to school the next day.
But, just as important as what you agree to do, is what will happen if either of you don’t uphold your agreements. This is a great place to get their input on consequences and what would be appropriate. They will often uphold their end if they have had a say in how it turns out. It’s also quite effective to have consequences for you if you don’t uphold your end of the agreement!
Again, you may not have concerns about candy; yours might be about what they are wearing, who they are spending time with and what hours they are staying out. The same rules apply. Listen to their needs and desires, share concerns from your own perspective (using I statements about your feelings and worries), and ask questions about solutions that address both.
Touch In: One of the most important parts of negotiating with teens is the follow through and follow up. Before the event, it’s important to review your agreements. It demonstrates you are listening and it is important to you, even if they roll their eyes at it. Afterward, it’s important to reflect on how it went.
Did you miss something in the planning that didn’t work for either of you? Did it feel good enough that it could be tried again in the future? Were there things about the agreements that could be improved on for future events? This is an often-missed, but incredibly important part of teaching life skills to teens. Reflection is how we consciously learn from our experience and continue to grow.
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If you have had your own challenges OR wins in negotiations with your teen, please share them in the comments below.
I hope you have a safe and enjoyable Halloween and Dia de los Muertos with your teens and you continue to find parenting a real TREAT!